Some Progress

Okay -- I did my laundry (though I still have a load to put away). I vacuumed (is that the right spelling?) my room. I picked up the poo-poos in the yard and I got my emissions test.

Lia still needs a bath.

I'm Going on a Bit of a Rampage, Here

Some people never grow up. They never change. These people simply wander through life trying to impress new groups of people in new forums every few years with the same old, same old. I am not impressed. I've heard all of this before. So these people find a new audience to impress -- to dazzle, if you will -- via the Internet. And impress these people do. I cannot buy into this.

I am not trying to impress people, here. I am simply finding an easy way to 1) pass the time; 2) record my thoughts; 3) record some ideas (when I'm in school) for papers, etc.; 4) keep in touch with a few people (i.e. Chris and John -- whom I rarely speak with and now, don't have to update every damned time I do get to speak with them -- now I can ask how they are instead of filling them in on how I am).

This is not my forum for recyclying the same old ideas to a new group of people. I don't have these kinds of pithy little thoughts. I'm just me. I have a dog. Did I ever mention that?

I am so freakin' tired all the time. I have been off all meds for officially one week. They (the many medical "experts" with whom I have been in contact lately) promised me that I would crash hard -- I just didn't know it was going to be this hard. I didn't have the energy to visit with Chris this weekend (sorry) . I haven't seen Jeff in a week and a half. I have two movies sitting here and a third on the way tomorrow that I haven't seen, yet. I also have a pile of laundry, a filthy bedroom carpet, a dirty family room floor and a gross-ass bathroom -- all of which need attention desperately.

I have to get my brakes done very much soon. I have to get an emissions test tomorrow -- no shit -- tomorrow. I have to babysit for DJ and Janet's two gorgeous and sweet children so they can close on their old house tomorrow afternoon.

And Lia needs a bath.

Any volunteers?

I Don't Get It

Actually, most of the time, I don't get it.

Joe snores really, really loud. He woke up my puppy.

My Baby is So Cute

She is still going in her crate all by herself -- just to rest, sometimes. She sleeps all stretched out with her feet in the air -- and she sticks her tongue out and makes sucking noises -- it's so freaking cute I want to cry, sometimes.

You know what I hate?? Misspellings. My own and others'. I misspell shit all the time -- in fact -- maybe I misspelled "misspell." But it's the stupid mistakes that drive me crazy. "Two" instead of "Too" or "To." And then there's stuff like "It's" and "its." Or even "Breath" and "Breathe." Dammit, I hate that. I just went through my sister's new website and there are misspellings and wrong words everywhere -- "except" instead of "accept." And "effect" or "affect" -- one's a verb and one's a noun, people (okay, in most cases). I have typos, too. But when it's consistent -- it's annoyingly obvious that it's not a typo, but a misspelling.

My mother keeps yelling at me and she is going to wake the baby. I have to go and pick up my friend from her dialysis appointment at 2:30. It's only 1:00, now, and it only takes about 45 minutes to get there. What am I supposed to do? Sit there for an hour?

Okay, okay. Mom won't let up so I'm going.

Pictures of my Baby

So finally. Janelle put some pics up on her website -- and that I know how to do -- so here are a couple of pics of my baby (one with her cousin, Tally).

I'm Alergic to my Dog

Yeah. I've had hives every day since I came off the steroids (the first time, anyway). Now my doctor and my mother seem to think it's Lia. Yeah. I'll buy that. She's a monster. Cujo. One second she's cuddled next to me and giving me soft kisses; the next second she turns around growling and snarling like some kind of possessed monster puppy. She bites and snarls and growls and pees EVERYWHERE -- except outside. But at least she craps outside -- she doesn't crap or pee on furniture or in her crate -- and she's awfully cute -- when she's sleeping.

Starting right this minute -- it's crate training all the way. It will hurt me more than it hurts her, I'm sure. I just want a nice puppy -- a normal fucking dog. Everyone tells me this is normal, but I just don't get it. Damn and fuck. She reminds me of Sara -- she is so fucking stubborn!

Great -- as I sit here, I am having another fucking break out of hives. God please let this be something other than my puppy!

Gotta go soak in an oatmeal bath -- a cold one -- I AM NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE HOT BATHS BECAUSE OF THE UHTHOFF'S SYMPTOM!

This life sucks, today. I want a different one! Can I just trade this one in at the customer service desk?

Deja Vu

So -- it continues. I woke up with my eyes swollen shut, hives all over my ears, neck and arms and horrible itching everywhere. Theresa came over and brought me some Benedryl -- but then she ended up having to take me to see the doctor yesterday afternoon. He wanted to put me back on steroids and I had just finished the fuckers on Wednesday. I wouldn't let him so he gave me some Zyrtec. Uh-huh.

Nothing.

I took a long nap but by the time I woke up at 8:30 I had crushing chest pain. Off to the emergency room with Mom and Dad. The nice doctor from Western Pennyslvania (but with a weird, almost-Scottish accent) knew it was only indigestion, but did the whole damned heart work up again (protocol). After shots of adreneline, solumedrol (the damned steroid I just finished), benedryl, and some kind of antacid, along with a "cocktail" antacid -- I felt better and a lot of the swelling and itching had dissipated. I am left with two somewhat-swollen eyes and another big hospital bill. Should have listened to my doctor. I have to take another round of oral taper on the steroid -- but this time it's only for four days.

This has nothing to do with multiple sclerosis -- it only has to do with the fact that me and my new puppy had to play outside -- and we got into something, dammit.

AAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!

I Caved In

Bought a pack around 6:30. Couldn't take it. Had two of Joe's before that. The girl at the gas station suggested suckers. I have to go to Target tomorrow to buy a container for Lia's food, so I'll get some Tootsie Pops then and try again. I'll probably apply for a job at the same time.

On the up side, Brett came to visit me tonight. He got nailed by a fast ball (he's been working some baseball games as an umpire -- went to a special school and everything). I gave him an ice pack for his very swollen elbow and fed him some Maritius tea. He had a few of my cigarettes -- thank God -- then I don't have to finish the pack myself.

Albina's coming over in the morning and I think I'm taking Lia to visit Stephanie tomorrow.

Lia's learning to play fetch with tennis balls. Mom took a gorgeous pic of the baby in the tulips -- it turned out really well so I replaced one of my 8x10 in my photo screen (let's just say one of three I have needed to replace for a really long time) with my pic of my baby -- okay, okay -- the pic of the lake is on my desk at work (along with a pic of John with a rhinocerous). And the space that was filled was the space that was left when I put that on my desk. Get off my back -- I'm working on it :)

Unfortunately, I finally got around to filling in one of the blank spots with a pic I have been meaning to put in for a long time. A little healthier, but nevertheless a reminder of what I lost. Yes -- it's of "the girls" -- hey, dammit. Just because I have my own baby doesn't mean I don't still miss 99 and Sara. And their "Dad" -- a little -- but not as badly as before -- Lia has made a lot of things easier to handle -- and the MS issue has made a lot of things seem less serious. Not that it has gone away -- just that it doesn't seem like as big of a deal as before. I will always miss him -- he was my best friend (whether he liked it or not) -- but the prayers have really helped (thanks, Jay) and the pain has subsided into a dull ache -- a shrinking hole instead of a cancerous rot.

Everything I know I learned from Star Trek TNG -- the universe is only as big as you think it is (particularly until the traveller from Tau Alpha Si (sp?) gets you out of the bubble).

All of my moods, as I have indicated before, can be best expressed by Albina's work. Today is something like this:

Confusion

It is just so apropos. The colors are precisely my mood today -- not necessarily that I'm confused, but that the colors are me.

Still Trying

I cheated twice yesterday -- Joe left his in an accessible and visible place -- nearly impossible to resist. I resisted later, though. I made a huge batch of chocolate chip cookies -- amazing how those can ease the pain.

It's 9:15 and I am already horribly craving a cigarette. I was thinking about this. I think I would rather be thin than a non-smoker. I can't keep eating to ease the pain. I really like smoking -- I don't like the way I feel, though. My lungs are always full of something; my back and neck are always killing me (apparently smoking has a lot to do with that); I can't swim anything but backstroke because I can't breathe; I can't make it up two flights of stairs without stopping for a rest -- again because I can't breathe; and it freaking costs too much.

Hangin' in There

Okay -- I did cheat again, yesterday. I went up to the gas station and bought a single cigarette off of one of the girls at the counter. Damn, did that taste good! Other than that and the 2-month-old butt from my car (only about 1/4 of a cigarette), I did okay yesterday. I had to turn down Albina and Stephanie for going out last night because I knew I couldn't sit there and not smoke. Maybe in a few weeks I can handle it, but definitely not today.

I have the most incorrigible puppy ever. She sasses me when I tell her, "No" -- especially when I tell her "no bite." She barks at the cats -- and they are really short tempered with her -- she's gonna get it! She has to check out the neighbor's yard EVERY TIME we go outside -- and she has to go outside every freakin' 15 minutes. She is very rough with her cousin, Tally, but she seems to have fun playing. She has a very expensive "puppy infection" that is just a royal pain in the ass to deal with -- but it doesn't bother her one single bit -- she still plays until I have to put her in her crate to get a moment's rest. The baby never sleeps (except, thank God, when it's really time for Mommy to sleep -- for about 6 hours between 11:00p.m. and 5:00 a.m.). 5:00 a.m. seems to be the time Lia is wont to rise. I'm not liking that so much. We need to adjust a bit -- but again, my baby is stubborn.

Dutch, on the other hand, is not doing so well. We had him at the emergency vet on Sunday night (for over 4 hours). Doug and I honestly thought we were going to have to put him down. As it turns out, he has a puncture wound on his heel that is terribly infected and for which he got some antibiotics. He is still really lethargic -- the pain medication knocked out the 100 pound, 11-year old Rott -- but he seems to be a little better today. I am worried that Lia bit that old baby and with his thin, old, skin -- that she caused this. Doug doesn't seem to think that was it, but ...

Well -- Lia is lying down for a minute and I need to shower really badly. I have to go but the baby more food and then I have to go to Naperville Eye Associates to see about snagging my baby brother's job for the summer.

One Down -- Two to Go

I got an A in African American Lit. Apparently writing papers on dope and without Denny's help works okay after all. I still don't know how I did in Baker's Bibliography/Research class. I think I got an A, but it's really hard to say without my grade in hand. I am also waiting on the official "pass" from my pass/fail 500 class -- I have to work on getting my syllabus on line for that this week -- I promised Dr. Day I'd have it done by the end of the week. Easy enough, I think.

I cheated a little around 1:30 -- smoked a 2 month-old butt out of my car -- about 2 drags. Dammit.

Nobody Likes a Quitter

12 hours and 12 minutes and counting. Only 5 pieces of gum so far, though.

I hate this.

I've never been this tired

I finished my final exam for Dr. Baker on Tuesday. I finished my final exam for Dr. Giles late last night. I turned in grades for one class yesterday morning. I still have to grade one set of papers and e-portfolios this weekend -- those grades are due at 8:00 a.m. on Monday morning. After that -- all I have to do is get a damned job for the summer (and maybe for longer) and write my syllabus for the fall.

I'm taking 19th Century British Lit this summer and I have a whole ton of reading to do over the next 4 weeks. That's okay, though, because I will be flat broke during that time -- no going out. Since I am quitting smoking this weekend (or I'm going to try to, anyway), I'll be able to stay home with Lia and read. The only reason I ever studied at Denny's was because I needed a place to smoke while I read. That will change, I hope.

I wrote my paper for Dr. Giles on the computer at home -- without coffee or cigarettes. I really like the paper so maybe this will work for me.

Lia has a vet appointment today for her second set of puppy shots. I am waiting patiently for her to crap on the floor so that I can take a "sample." I love it. I have been chasing her around to keep her from doing her thing inside for the last two weeks -- now she won't oblige. Go figure.

My friend seems to have forgiven me for my rudeness on Sunday night. This makes me feel better.

Dammit -- I am so freakin' tired. Need sleep.

Hormonal Imbalances?

I am having a moment. I don't think this is related to the puppy, the MS, the Lexapro, the steroids -- no. This is different. I'm pretty certain I am just having a moment.

Sometimes life freakin' hurts. Fighting takes it out of me. Finals week sucks. This is just so much bigger than I can really deal with today. Lia climbed in her crate for a nap. She's a good puppy. Christine and I worked on our final for Dr. Baker. I want to be a librarian like he is. My students gave me a very sweet thank-you note today. It hurt.

I'm sorry that some of my friends need so much from me. I just don't have it to give right now -- I haven't for a long time. I was sucked dry for the last three years. I have no excuses. No blame for or on anyone. I just don't have it any more. My heart is sinking.

I hurt someone. I'm sorry. I only have so much to give, honey. I didn't mean to snap last night but this week -- this year -- this century (thus far) has been so much for me. I love you and want you around, but I can only take so much.

I am trying to put the pieces of my life together. I've been really successful so far this year. It's been hard to face that I have to deal with this disease -- I haven't really "faced" it yet -- or maybe I'm already through that rough spot. I feel emotionally more balanced -- maybe the puppy. Maybe the Lexapro. Maybe it's just getting on with my life.

I let that "other" nasty guilt, terror, anger, disbelief, hurt and frustration dominate my life for the last three years. Yeah, it sucked. It had to end someday. I just hadn't let it until now. I still miss him, but ... God has a funny way of answering prayers sometimes. I prayed for 3 years for Him to take away the hurt -- to give me something else to worry about -- to make it all gel in my heart and mind. No -- it still doesn't gel. I still don't understand what I did to the big cosmic universe to deserve the hurt I was feeling. What I do understand is that I can't change it. I can't make it better. I can only learn to deal with it.

God gave me something else -- that's for sure. But all of the manufactured torments that I subjected myself to over the last 3 -- for that matter, the last 10 1/2 years -- they made me stronger and able to deal with the real thing with my head held up and more than just a "brave face." My experiences have made me a better person. I like me. I love my dog. I do love you, honey. You are important in my life. Just work with me for another few months -- things will go back to "normal." And we're still on for the Museum of Science and Industry right after I'm out of school -- okay?

My heart is still sinking into my gut. It still hurts.

The Dog Ate My Grades

I'm not kidding. I cannot even believe that this happened, myself. I rememer when I was student teaching, one of my students told me that the dog ate his floppy disc -- I laughed so hard I actually cried over my desk while the student stood there swearing that he couldn't turn in his paper. I gave him a day to come up with the paper. He did.

Now I have to go in to work tomorrow and confess that Lia actually ate my grades. I laid the scantron sheets down on the coffee table and went to the bathroom and I came back to find my precious little baby tearing the grade sheets to shreds. I can get a new sheet from the department -- but I don't have time to get them before the students' exam tomorrow at 10:00 a.m. -- and I (by contract) have until Thursday at 10:00 a.m. to turn them in.

The Dog Ate My Grades -- luckily -- everyone in the department has met Lia and absolutely adores her. This will make it easier to take when Lia and I have to drag in to the office tomorrow to ask for new scantron sheets.

How humiliating!

"Me" Time

Now here's something I haven't had much of lately. Yesterday was Reading Day at NIU and I had the day off -- technically. I ended up spending the entire day (from about noon till about 6:00) with several students in the computer lab. I can't count the number of e-portfolio's I've now designed -- usually in less than about 15 minutes, each. I simply create "templates" that the students can pick up from their "www" files, edit with their own work and then resave. It works, though I am a bit disappointed that I had to do so many -- I was hoping for more authentic representations -- more personal webpages -- than last term. I got some that were unique and original, but at least 15 of the students had to use my templates to do their stuff.

I took Lia down to La Aurora last night to introduce her to Small Shiny Things (and Matt -- he was there). I didn't stay long enough to hear them play. I had intended to come back after I had brought Lia home but I stretched out on my bed for what was to be just a minute with the puppy -- we slept until about 6:00 this morning.

I met with Christine's mom this morning about the Kendall County Republican Women's scholarship -- I've been asked to be on the committee for this new scholarship -- it's kind of fun, really. And Christine and Shawn's dog (Wrigley) is a cutey pie (Sheltie, I think).

Finally, here it is. 1:30 and I've accomplished absolutely nothing on my own work today. I meet with Christine on Monday to work on our final for Dr. Baker and I need to get cuttin' on my final for Dr. Giles. Plus, I promised my mom I would Floor Mate the family room to sanitize what was hopefully the last of the puppy accidents -- she's been really, really good -- only one accident yesterday and one later this morning -- that was my fault. She told me she had to go out and I went to find my cigarettes before I took her out -- she's a puppy and can't wait. Reason #463 why I am quitting smoking (May 15th -- the big goal date -- gets me through finals, anyway).

I think I'll go out to my car and get my book for Giles' final -- Sula -- it's a quick read and I need to reread it (I read it in the hospital -- made a bunch of thoughtful and relevant notes -- but I can't remember a damned word of the story -- according to my Doctor, that was the massive intravenous steroids they had me on -- of course, it could have just been me, too). I can read and watch Lia. Then I'm going to take Lia over to Janelle's for play time -- maybe do some cards for Mom for Mother's Day -- although I've been driving around with an over-the-range microwave in my back seat for 3 days, now -- the "joint" gift that replace the microwave that we all managed to break a few months ago).

So, there's today's agenda. Let's see what I can pull off.

No Pretenses

Really. I have nothing special to say today. I saw the opthamologist who has informed me that my exercise is now to be limited to the pool -- cold water only. The Uhthoff's symptom is serious stuff and cannot be messed with. Yoga -- okay, too. I'm getting really tired of this endless stream of doctor's appointments. I've been to the doctor more in the last 2 months than I have since I turned 18. And I freaking feel fine!

Lia is chewing madly on the bone Auntie Janelle gave her. She has been at it for two hours, now. I gotta get some more of those because it keeps her out of my hair for long periods at a time. She takes an occasional break to chew on Mommy's stuffed Monkey - of course, Kevin's Sara had already chewed up that one foot so I suppose it's okay if my baby chews on it. I wasn't mad at Sara, I shouldn't be mad at Lia. I wish 99 could play with her. 99 loves puppies - or she did. But it's okay. Lia has lots of playmates. I guess I am just feeling a little melancholy over 99 and Sara -- guilty because I finally found someone I could love that was my own and that no one could take away from me.

I gave her a bath yesterday and she looked and smelled so good for a few hours -- then she helped my mom do so planting -- and dug in all the pots. Mommy's little piggy :). Typical lab, though -- loves the water. She has finally figured out how to go downstairs. We have the gate across (that's been there since Dutch was a puppy some 13 years ago). So, she goes up the stairs, sits at the gate, whines for a few seconds, and then comes down. Five minutes later -- rinse and repeat. Lia wants to take a nap, now. She WENT IN HER CRATE ON PURPOSE. God she's a good puppy -- and she hardly ever whines, cries or barks. I am so lucky -- I hope it stays this way.

I am playing hookie. I feel horribly guilty about it but it was a toss up -- my puppy or my students. The puppy won. I was going to help some students in my office today before my 6:00 class, but Lia and I took a nap together instead. I will help them tomorrow (on Reading Day, I might add -- my own free time) for a few hours. I think I may go to see Jay's band, but I really haven't decided. If they are playing outside, I'll go for sure and take Lia to see Jay. If not, I will stop by -- but I have a lot of work to do -- finals and all.

I feel even more guilty because I got the nicest e-mail from one of my students today -- an "end-of-term" thank you:

Hey Kristen,
This is Tanisha I just wanted to tell you thank you so much for helping me and
being so understanding this term. It really means a lot when one of my
instructors compliments me on my work and my overall personality. You have
really helped me not only to become a better student, but a better writer as
well. I just wanted to tell you thank you from the bottom of my heart. I also
wanted to let you know that I have been putting you done as a reference on my
job applications so just in case somebody calls you, you'll have full warning. I
would also like to keep in contact with you just in case I need further help in
my writing. This summer I am starting my major which is Journalism and I want to
make sure that my writing shows I have what it takes to make it in the world of
journalism. Overall, thank you for just a wonderful semester and for taking the
time to actually care about your students and thier work. If there were more
instructors like people would actually enjoy going to class.

Thanks a bunch for everything.
Sincerely,
Tanisha


Okay, so some proofreading may have helped, but overall -- Damn. Did that feel good. Lia's fallen asleep in her crate already so I am going to get my butt out to school.

Prophetic Mothers

And teachers ...

When I was a kid, my mother used to tell me that when I was older, she hoped I had children just like me so that I would know the hell I put her through.

Well, that ain't gonna happen. Kids are pretty much out of the question, now. But what I do have is students just like I used to be. I have students who stare at me and insist that they can produce quality writing overnight. Um-hm.

These are the same students who think that they can do an e-portfolio in a few hours. Yeah.

I think I worked on my own portfolio for about 20 hours last term and another 40 this term. I have designed about 20 student portfolios myself over the last two terms (they are starting to look a little "form letterish"). But really, it takes longer than a few hours to get this done. The students are quickly losing their "A's" but they don't seem to get that. Because I am grading the e-portfolios holistically this time around, the individual student's attitude, attendance and overall work ethic/effort is going to matter. I cannot grade holistically without taking these things into account.

Got an eye doctor's appointment tomorrow. Hopefully I will be released to go back to the gym after that. The Uhthoff's symptom appeared and it does worry me somewhat because I really don't know if it is doing any permanent or additional damage to my optic nerve. I have to figure that out before I can go back. MS sucks.

Ophelia played with Debbie's 2 year old today. Grandpa says that "play" isn't really the word -- "slept" would be more appropriate. But Grandma is babysitting until 5:00 and then Auntie Janelle is taking Ophelia for "visitation" with Cousin Tally until about 9:00 or so.

Also found out yesterday that the two huskies up the street killed the puppy from the end of the block a few weeks ago. Note to self: puppy must always be watched!

Still no pics from Auntie Janelle.

I Hate Finals

I am required to sit in my office for 3 hours a week (Monday and Wednesday from 12:30-1:30 and Wednesdays from 3:30-5:30) to "wait" for students. Office hours. Yes, they are fancy things -- special, if you will.

So for 14 weeks, I saw NOBODY during those times. I didn't have a puppy to go home to so I sat there and twiddled my thumbs -- I did my own homework -- I hung out with my coworkers -- I rearranged my desk once a week.

Now here it is the LAST week before finals and NOW my students have formed lines waiting for my personal attention. I have been warning them, yet they still waited until the very last minute to work on their e-portfolios.

I think I've probably designed about 6 in the last hour. Good thing for them I am such a pushover. I want my puppy.

Lia slept really good last night and went outside like a really good girl. She sat by the door and told me she had to go. I jumped up, took her out and she was soooo good. She hurt her baby paw right before I left this morning, though. She fell off the bottom stair because Taffy was growling at her. Bad Taffy. No fuzzy ball retrieval time for you today.

Okay -- I'm starting to feel like a dumb ass carrying on about my puppy like this. But she IS, after all, my NEW baby.

Auntie Janelle will have pics, soon.

It's a Girl

Here's my "new baby" announcement. She's about 10 pounds, really short, brown eyes, blonde hair and the cutest puppy face you ever did see. I've named her Ophelia -- a properly tragic name (thanks Jeff and Lisa for making me put my foot down to my family and name her what I wanted to). We'll call her "Lia" for short. She's already very good at going to the door when she needs to go out (but she only "makes it" about half the time). She follows me everywhere. She's a yellow lab (cream, actually) and AKC registered -- papers and all. I met the mommy and daddy (a yellow lab and black lab respectively), her two sisters and her brother. She's 8 weeks old and shares a birthday with Auntie Janelle (February 28th).






Right now, she's sleeping on my feet while I blog. She slept for 6 solid hours IN HER CRATE last night and didn't whine at all (okay, for the first 10 minutes or so, but then she settled down). I've decided that green is her color -- it goes really well with the cream coat and brown eyes (plus, it's my favorite color so ...).

She was rather expensive, but I just couldn't say "no." Dad was really pissed at first, but when I came home from the library last night, she was sleeping on is lap so I guess he's okay with it now.

I will put up a pic as soon as I figure out how. Auntie Janelle is going to put her on her website.

Auntie Janelle is opening her self-dog wash/boutique at the beginning of June. Now she has even more customers.