Good news, for a change

I started on Avonex on Friday. My doctor had me take only a 1/2 dose. He wanted me to take 3 Aleve when I took the shot, and another 2 the next morning -- 5 in a 12 hour period (recommended dosage only 3 in a 24 hour period). So, I did as instructed -- Mom gave me the shot.

First, it didn't hurt. I used to give blood pretty often and that hurt a lot more.

Second, I didn't go on Avonex a year ago when I was first diagnosed because I was afraid of the side effects. Yes, I only took 1/2 dose and I won't be up to full dosage for a month, but even if my side effects are twice as bad, the reality is that zero times two is still zero. No problems whatsoever. I slept fine. No soreness, no aching, no fever, no chills. Nothing. Mom read up on this and she says that a lot of people do well on this step-up method, then don't react well to the full dose. I am not scared any more, though. I rarely experience side effects from anything and I am really hoping that this will continue to be the same.

And, great news ... the double vision seems to be subsiding. I took the prism off today and have seen clearly for most of the day. Once in a while I get a moment or two of screwed-up sight, but I feel better because I'm not stumbling around so much -- I'm not as unsure on my feet as I have been since I started using the prism. Yeah!

And, the best news -- I went back on Lexapro yesterday. I admit it. I hit bottom. I was pushing the line at suicidal, and I knew it. I called the shrink at school and told him that I just wanted one day where I didn't really care so much about not yet having a job and about having MS. He saw me and gave me a 12 week supply (cause I'm broke and have no prescription coverage). And I got my wish -- who really cares about such trivial shit as jobs and debilitating diseases? Happy, happy, happy.

I'd be much happier, though, if Ophelia would stop "big girl barking" at the kids in the yard next door on their damned trampolene. It's really time for bed, dammit.

Hope Doesn't Really Float

I'm not really sure what "Hope Floats" means, in spite of the fact that I've paid attention to the key lines in the movie -- whenever I'm unfortunate enough to encounter it on bad Saturday reruns, anyway.

Okay, so I have a few more leads on jobs. The hold up, now, is my lack of letters of rec. Eric is doing one for me. Jack's is "in the mail." DJ's is beautiful and ready. Ellen's is also beautiful and ready. I have to go out to pick up the one from Eric on Friday and I'll get my transcript from NIU -- and, by the way, I found out that with a retake on the GRE, my GPA could actually get me into the program at NIU for a PhD -- and we all know how very badly I want one ... [INSERT DRIPPING SARCASTIC TONE, HERE].

On a fun note -- even with my left eye still impaired (with the prism which is correcting my double vision), I was able to take a twisted coat hanger and retrieve Jeff's car keys off the floor of his car at Harner's, today. Yeah! I was just so damned impressed with myself. I can still do stuff :)

My mother talked me into buying a whole bunch of clothes from QVC, today. I ordered 4 pairs of capris, 3 short sets (tops & shorts), and a square-necked top. So, since I really didn't have tops to match the capris I ordered, on the way home from Harner's, I ducked into Fashion Bug and bought 5 tops. I figure the day's shopping set me back $250.00 -- but I have plenty of clothes, now, for teaching this summer.

I had an idea for the summer course I wanted to get down really fast -- I got the job based on the "idea" of getting the students to create their own electronic portfolios. This has NEVER been tried with high school students -- especially a bunch of kids who failed Sophomore English and got forced into summer school because of language barriers (ESL, primarily). It may be absolutely impossible, but I really think I can pull it off. Eric offered to help me create a template like the Webography zip drive we used in 104. I think this could work for individual portfolios, but once my mind spins a little more, I think I could turn this into a small group project that would produce more viable portfolios. I have to sleep on this a few more nights.

In the mean time, I have to get lesson plans going. I am going to have these kids for 4 hours a day, 5 days a week, for 5 weeks. That's basically 100 1-hour lessons. Fuck me. It takes me a while to plan each 1-hour lesson. I really, really, have my work cut out for me, but it's nowhere near as much as these poor kids have to handle. They are going to get about 2 hours of homework per night. These are kids who can't hardly read and they are going to have to read 2 novels, a dozen short stories, a play, some non-fiction, and will have to write 2 long papers -- all in 5 weeks!

This is going to really suck for them. I guess that's what they get for not pulling it together during the school year. Bye-bye summer. I mean, high schools only get about 9 weeks off for summer -- they get two weeks before the class starts and two weeks after. I am really going to have to figure out how to motivate them -- oh wait -- that's what grades are for. If they fail this ... they have to repeat their entire Sophomore year. Um, I may not be as altruistic as some people -- no way is this motivation. I guess I'm a cynic after all.

Everyone says ...

Most of my family and friends have told me to not worry about the fact that I don't have a job lined up for this Fall, yet. Pardon me, but I think I'll worry. I'm a worrier by nature, so this is nothing new. Of course, my latest exacerbation won't go away until I stop stressing. And the exacerbation is causing more stress than anything else. I am a little more relaxed about it, now, because the doctor put a prism on my lens that brings everything together and allows me to see straight (except when I'm looking down or walking -- gee, thanks). But I can drive! Yeah.

I was crying about this on Thursday morning, but after I saw Dr. Davis again on Thursday afternoon, I felt a lot better. She said that my vision is getting better -- about a 25% improvement over a week ago. And, if this doesn't go away -- hey, she can operate! Great. But, she says it WILL go away and that she hasn't ever had to do anything about this type of problem stemming from MS -- only from little things like diabetes and traumatic injury. Um, that's sort of reassuring?

In the meantime, my first shipment of Avonex has arrived. We have to wait for a nurse to come and show us (Mom and I) how to do the injection, so it will probably be next Friday night when I finally get started. I'm really not afraid of needles -- I never have been. And pain? Hell. It just can't be THAT bad. It's the side effects that concern me. But on that note, Dr. Stefoski assures me that he can "fix" any side effects and that they will go away after a few months, anyway. I get to overdose on Aleve, which I've never taken. I will exceed the recommended dosage by 3 pills (5 in a 12 hour period -- 3 before the injection and 2 the next morning), at my wonderful, awesome, EXPENSIVE doctor's advice.

Okay, on to a new subject ... the WCC job starts on June 20th. I have to have virtually ALL of my lesson plans written and ready by then. My books finally arrived late yesterday afternoon and I can pick them up on Monday. Oh yeah ... and I have to get stuff off to Jack for him to get me my letter of recommendation, pick up one from school, pick up my transcript (and I got straight A's -- I think I've mentioned this before) and make more progress on cleaning out my office.

I need a third bookcase in my room, but I have nowhere to put it. The shelves of the ones I have are overflowing with literature from the earliest English poems to contemporary literature -- and I'm just not willing to part with them. My mother suggested that I give away anything I haven't read. Hmmm. Good idea, except that it would only empty one fargin' shelf at best. I am so proud of myself. To think, one of my earliest journal entries (from the year I first moved in to Sugar Grove -- '94 I think), was about how embarassed I was at not having really READ anything outside of historical romance novels. And now ... well ... I'm literate and stuff.

I have papers on every genre of English literature from Early English poetry, to Medieval Women Writers (the wacko Margery Kempe who I got to PRESENT on at a conference a few months ago), to Steinbeck to Angela Carter, to Anne Tyler. What the hell. This looks like a trend. I have to issue this statement in defense of myself: I never wanted to "specialize" in women's fiction. But the current critical climate has forced me to examine works I never wanted to read -- and pick them apart.

I got an A on my Anne Tyler paper for three reasons (according to my professor's comments):

1) I didn't bow to my instructor's published criticism, and instead, picked it apart and dissented from her conclusions -- yeah, that took some guts, I guess, but I really didn't like her anyway -- at that point, I didn't give a damn about the paper, the class, my grade, or even graduating -- but I got an A anway -- I wonder if it was BECAUSE I didn't care that it was good ...;

2) In 17 pages, I only used "to be" verbs about 10 times;

3) I put a new spin on an author that has been pigeonholed as "feminist". So I guess we can call my critical approach "anti-feminist".

I think I am going to go and rake the back patio ... again. Then I'm going to clean the family room because a) my dog is a slob; and b) my brother is a disgusting slob. Gotta go before my mother actually comes down the stairs and beats me.

Long Time, No Post

Wow. I didn't realize it had been THAT long since I posted. Lots has happened. I graduated. I got a summer job at WCC. I saw my baby brother sing in front of a sold out crowd at UIC Pavillion. I got another MS exacerbation (my left eye, again -- not optic neuritis, this time -- double vision caused by a leasion on a muscle in the left corner of my left eye). Whew. Lots and lots of stuff.

I just don't know what to say except that I'm awfully tired. I have an eye appointment on Thursday and a massage appointment on Friday. I don't really intend to get dressed or leave the house between now and then. I will probably have to make ice cream trips, of course. Janelle and Steve are hiking in the Grand Canyon (and didn't make it to either my or Michael's graduation this past weekend). That's okay. On the up side, my grandmother didn't make it either. Her loss. Hearing Michael sing and knowing he was on stage with Buddy Guy was pretty awesome. In a college where ALL of the 1200 or so graduates are in the arts, I am so incredibly impressed that my brother was chosen to sing. Oh, and he got an agent! I don't know anything else about it except that the agent only gets paid if Michael works. That bodes well, I think.

I signed up for some classes this Fall on the (increasingly good) chance that I still don't have a job. This way, I can get health insurance still through the school. I don't want to take any of these classes, but ... I'm going to see if I can audit so I don't have to write the fuckin' papers.

On that note, I don't know whether or not I passed the classes I had this Spring. I have to wait for the grades to come out to know for sure. I guess Dr. Gomez-Vega has a reputation for giving an incomplete if she doesn't like your paper. I feel okay about the damned thing, but we'll see. I'm sure I passed Dr. Giles class. Probably an A or a B -- and I wish I still gave a shit what the grade actually is.

I'm going back to sleep for a while. Then I'm going to order something incredibly greasy from Dari Hut and lay around for the rest of the evening.

And yes, Chris. I'm still "in" here. As you know, the last few weeks of school are exhausting and because I was grading my students' blogs, I didn't want to deal with my own.