What is wrong with me?

My grandmother died. I have cried over Jim Ammenhauser's son quite a bit, but hardly at all over losing my grandmother. I miss her, though she was a pain in the ass. I miss her every day.

First, why am I compelled to watch "I'm a celebrity. Get me out of here!"? The show sucks, but it's like the car wreck on the Interstate -- you just gotta slow down and rubberneck.

Next, is it totally wrong to want your landlord to fall off the ladder on which he is working to clean out your gutters? I have two fantasy scenarios: a) I save his life after he lay dying after falling off the stupid thing (and forever ingratiate myself to my landlords); and b) he dies and I get to buy the house that his wife wants to unload.

I'm going to hell.

Stick a Needle in your Eye

Steve is really freaked out by any "procedure" having to do with eyes. He cannot watch me put my contacts in. He gets grossed out by people rubbing their eyes. We were watching House the other day, and there was a guy who needed some diagnostic test. When it came on that the guy way strapped to a table with a needle headed for his eye, Steve jumped up an yelled, "Oh, fuck no!" and took off upstairs.

When I got home after going to 2 different pharmacies to get Nana's prescriptions, I found the driveway TOTALLY shoveled and cleared. I told my mother this on the phone as I was pulling in. She begged me not to tell Steve about Nana's upcoming surgery because he was so nice to have shoveled.

Steve keeps telling me that he shovel(s) because, "2 plus 2 plus 2" equals a lot of shoveling. This morning, I told him, "2 plus 2 plus 6." We got a lot of snow. I also told him that Nana is having surgery on her eye on Thursday that involves "sticking a needle in her eye" to relieve the pressure that is building and causing her pain.

Poor Nana. I feel actually bad for her. This has to suck, a lot.

I don't want to live that long. She turned 90. Wow.

Whatfuckingever

I don't get it. Other than the fact that the title is an "infixed" word. I am getting thinner. I don't have to work at it (bragging) except to push that stupid needle into the muscles of my thigh every week -- oh, and to endure the daily torment of having multiple sclerosis. All of a sudden, people like me.

Or maybe it is just that familiarity breeds contempt and absence makes the heart grow fonder.

As I said, whatfuckingever!

Nana

On Thanksgiving Day, we picked Nana up at @11:45 and went to the Golden Corral Steakhouse. Pretty much the worst Thanksgiving dinner I have ever had. Just awful!

Then, after much ado getting Nana around, we went back to her house. She had me write a check to pay her Comcast bill. Then she brought her bag into the living room and announced that she needed to go to the emergency room.

Mom and I went in with her (Dad slept in a chair in the waiting room). We sat there for some 4 hours and the doctor finally told us that Nana's left retina had detached. She is now totally blind.

Mom went back up to the hospital on Friday. Dr. Stapleton (Nana's long time doctor) told her and Mom that she just cannot take care of herself any more.

Nana is waiting for a doctor's appointment on Thursday with an opthamologist. He will tell her what we've been trying to get through her thick skull for days, now: She is permanently blind. She cannot live alone any more.

Hmmm. We'll see if she wins. By the way, she's been driving my parents just crazy since she came to their home. She doesn't get it, yet. And she's been really rough on my parents -- ungrateful, mean, stubborn -- generally, Nana-ish.

Drama, drama, drama

I thought that at this stage in my life, there would be little, if any, drama. Boy, was I wrong.

Steve's daughter is a pain in the ass. I love the little bitch, but let us not pretend that she is anything other than a pain in the ass. And it takes one to know one.

It must be hard to be such a major dissapointment to your parents. I always felt horrible as I was struggling to make it. Right, like I've made it ...

I never wanted to let them down. So, I went to school. Okay, I went to get my Mrs. and, instead, I got an MA. I might have to go get a damned PhD for lack of anything better to do. Amber is working very hard to ensure that she never amounts to anything.

I just wanted to get this down with a date and everything: She will show up pregnant within the next year. That's the last thing that she can do to really show her parents that she is a complete and utter failure at life.

The only reason that I feel that any of this is my business is because I am a member of the human race. People like her should a) not be allowed to breed; b) not be allowed to coast through life without a GED; and c) not be permitted to work so hard a failure.

God, I'm pissed.

Crappy and Bored

I am not speaking to Steve. I don't think that he knows this, yet. His daughter is beyond a slob. Slovenly. Gross. Lazy. These are a good start for describing her behavior. I don't want to be the bad guy, but he's making me. I am going to go all "Mommy Dearest" on her ass. I have a bit more compassion for Joan Crawford, now. I understand what it takes to push someone to the "no wire hangers, ever" point. I cannot even describe the hovel in which Amber lives. The reason I am not speaking to Steve--he cannot and does not stand up to his tyrannical daughter.

I remember visiting his home on Grant street, once. Keep in mind that this was a 12 year old girl without a good female influence in her life. I found used maxi pads just lying around the bathroom--they weren't wrapped up or even CLOSE to the garbage can.

This is the beginning, of that I am sure.

Steve and I watched a 4 part miniseries called "In Search of Shakespeare" that PBS did. It was really good.

Let's see...I sold a LOT two weeks ago. Things seem to be picking up a little -- knock wood.

I am still tired all of the time. No amount of caffeine makes a difference. I go to bed most nights at @9:30. I do, though, get up around 6:00 a.m. The dog just won't let me sleep any later. Actually, one morning a few weeks ago I am sure Steve was trying to help. He took Lia out in the morning. This made me run REALLY late. My day off I spent running like I was late all day -- I had to make 3 dozen deviled eggs (here's some math -- split in half that is, actually 72 deviled eggs) for work. My mom helped me fill them. Then I spent another 4 hours running her around on various errands--the computer fix-it place, Walgreen's, the post office, the bank, the Kendall County Judicial Center, the Kendall County Courthouse, Janelle's store, the dry cleaners. Whew. Happy, happy day off.

I am sitting, now, in the "Library" at WCC's Copley campus. I had a conference scheduled at 8:20 -- he didn't show. Another conference was scheduled at 8:40. She didn't show. Waiting for a 9:00 and a 9:20. The 9:20 will definitely show. We'll see about the 9:00 (she's got 6 more minutes).

I am working 10-7 today and tomorrow (Tuesday). I have Wednesday "sort of" off -- I do have conferences all morning with my students. Then on Thursday, I have to drive to Bourbonnais very early to get "training" for solid surface countertops. Oh goody. I'm scheduled on Friday, but I'll have it off.

This morning, I have to call to get my medicine sent. Late this afternoon, I am going to call Steve's parents to invite them for dinner. I'm making Chicken Au Vin. I think I've perfected the recipe. It's really not anywhere near as hard as I thought it would be.

Jay called me the other day. It was so nice to talk to him. I was starting to wonder ...

Okay. I suppose I should sort my bag and see what's going on.

Later.

Fate

I am 40 years old. I live with a man I do not love and I love a man I never see.

What is with this crap?