Hormonal Imbalances?

I am having a moment. I don't think this is related to the puppy, the MS, the Lexapro, the steroids -- no. This is different. I'm pretty certain I am just having a moment.

Sometimes life freakin' hurts. Fighting takes it out of me. Finals week sucks. This is just so much bigger than I can really deal with today. Lia climbed in her crate for a nap. She's a good puppy. Christine and I worked on our final for Dr. Baker. I want to be a librarian like he is. My students gave me a very sweet thank-you note today. It hurt.

I'm sorry that some of my friends need so much from me. I just don't have it to give right now -- I haven't for a long time. I was sucked dry for the last three years. I have no excuses. No blame for or on anyone. I just don't have it any more. My heart is sinking.

I hurt someone. I'm sorry. I only have so much to give, honey. I didn't mean to snap last night but this week -- this year -- this century (thus far) has been so much for me. I love you and want you around, but I can only take so much.

I am trying to put the pieces of my life together. I've been really successful so far this year. It's been hard to face that I have to deal with this disease -- I haven't really "faced" it yet -- or maybe I'm already through that rough spot. I feel emotionally more balanced -- maybe the puppy. Maybe the Lexapro. Maybe it's just getting on with my life.

I let that "other" nasty guilt, terror, anger, disbelief, hurt and frustration dominate my life for the last three years. Yeah, it sucked. It had to end someday. I just hadn't let it until now. I still miss him, but ... God has a funny way of answering prayers sometimes. I prayed for 3 years for Him to take away the hurt -- to give me something else to worry about -- to make it all gel in my heart and mind. No -- it still doesn't gel. I still don't understand what I did to the big cosmic universe to deserve the hurt I was feeling. What I do understand is that I can't change it. I can't make it better. I can only learn to deal with it.

God gave me something else -- that's for sure. But all of the manufactured torments that I subjected myself to over the last 3 -- for that matter, the last 10 1/2 years -- they made me stronger and able to deal with the real thing with my head held up and more than just a "brave face." My experiences have made me a better person. I like me. I love my dog. I do love you, honey. You are important in my life. Just work with me for another few months -- things will go back to "normal." And we're still on for the Museum of Science and Industry right after I'm out of school -- okay?

My heart is still sinking into my gut. It still hurts.