I Caved In

Bought a pack around 6:30. Couldn't take it. Had two of Joe's before that. The girl at the gas station suggested suckers. I have to go to Target tomorrow to buy a container for Lia's food, so I'll get some Tootsie Pops then and try again. I'll probably apply for a job at the same time.

On the up side, Brett came to visit me tonight. He got nailed by a fast ball (he's been working some baseball games as an umpire -- went to a special school and everything). I gave him an ice pack for his very swollen elbow and fed him some Maritius tea. He had a few of my cigarettes -- thank God -- then I don't have to finish the pack myself.

Albina's coming over in the morning and I think I'm taking Lia to visit Stephanie tomorrow.

Lia's learning to play fetch with tennis balls. Mom took a gorgeous pic of the baby in the tulips -- it turned out really well so I replaced one of my 8x10 in my photo screen (let's just say one of three I have needed to replace for a really long time) with my pic of my baby -- okay, okay -- the pic of the lake is on my desk at work (along with a pic of John with a rhinocerous). And the space that was filled was the space that was left when I put that on my desk. Get off my back -- I'm working on it :)

Unfortunately, I finally got around to filling in one of the blank spots with a pic I have been meaning to put in for a long time. A little healthier, but nevertheless a reminder of what I lost. Yes -- it's of "the girls" -- hey, dammit. Just because I have my own baby doesn't mean I don't still miss 99 and Sara. And their "Dad" -- a little -- but not as badly as before -- Lia has made a lot of things easier to handle -- and the MS issue has made a lot of things seem less serious. Not that it has gone away -- just that it doesn't seem like as big of a deal as before. I will always miss him -- he was my best friend (whether he liked it or not) -- but the prayers have really helped (thanks, Jay) and the pain has subsided into a dull ache -- a shrinking hole instead of a cancerous rot.

Everything I know I learned from Star Trek TNG -- the universe is only as big as you think it is (particularly until the traveller from Tau Alpha Si (sp?) gets you out of the bubble).

All of my moods, as I have indicated before, can be best expressed by Albina's work. Today is something like this:

Confusion

It is just so apropos. The colors are precisely my mood today -- not necessarily that I'm confused, but that the colors are me.