Closer

So I watched Closer tonight -- with my Mom. She's mad at me, now. She thinks I'm warped because I cried -- the movie was beautiful. It just hurt. No movie has touched me so deeply since Fall.

I was really uncomfortable watching this with Mom -- she doesn't see "art" films as worthy of her time. She takes these movies as statements on what society has become. I see her point, but really ... I think that films like Closer and Fall celebrate rather than mourn society's shortcomings. What else can we be but human? Not everyone has what my parents do -- not everyone can be real without making sadness in their own lives. My parents have troubles -- sure. But they have never had to go out into the world to look for love. They found each other in high school. I'm still looking. I look in the face of every man I meet and ask if he could bring beauty and love into my life. I haven't found that face, yet, that looks back with "Yes, I can." I haven't given up hope, but Mom doesn't get that.

That face may be out there somewhere, but I guess if it is, it will find me -- or it won't.

There is beauty in the world (wait for it -- I'm having my 5 minutes of lucidity). If I don't find that one -- I didn't lose out. I have had beauty in my life and I still do. I have it in music that touches my soul. I have it in books that grab my heart. I have it in friends that hold on tight but that will slap me silly, too. I have it in my heart and dammit -- I give it out whenever I can.

I'm not a brilliant writer. I'm not a brilliant soul. I'm not a blazing star shooting through people's life. I'm just me and I'll still be me long after these drugs eat the memory of this movie out of my brain.

I may be in love with Natalie Portman. And Julia Roberts, for that matter. Have either of them ever made a BAD movie? They just choose so well the roles for which they are perfectly suited -- perfectly, beautifully, brilliantly convincing.

Love is just so ugly that it has to be beautiful.