I am so disappointed in myself

Okay, I was cool with the incomplete in Linguistics because I don't need the class for anything. But I need Victorian Literature. I am really happy about my progress on the paper, but I had to put it aside to work on the exam and I am not doing well on that right now. I only got about 1/3 of the first of two essays written over the weekend. I haven't finished my presentation materials as yet (but the bar for those has been set rather low -- I think I'll be fine with whatever I do).

So here is my issue -- I have 2 weeks left and I am not done with any of the three major assignments (outside the reading) in that class. I have barely started two of the three and haven't even hashed out the third. Dr. May is giving me an incomplete -- he expects my paper before the Fall term begins.

I hate to admit this to myself, but this has been a rough summer for me with the excessively warm weather and this new disease. I'm really tired all of the time and the heat exacerbates the issue with my eye. It takes anywhere from 4-6 hours for my vision to come back to "normal" (it will never be normal again -- it may be 20/20, but there is a weird distortion in the middle that lingers -- normal, according to my doctors). I contemplated going back on the Lexipro, but I'm off of it now, and frankly, I get more "ideas" for my papers, I enjoy the literature more, I laugh really hard (even when it's really not appropriate), I cry when people die and I relish the few quiet moments I spend with Lia. All of this is possible when I am not chemically altering my personality. The Lexipro took the edge off of everything -- the bad and the good. No thanks. I'd rather endure the low, lows and still be able to enjoy the high, highs.

Anyway, I have spent more time plowing through my readings than I would have liked because I am so tired all of the time -- it's Victorian Literature! It's really boring and I fall asleep (I really am enjoying Mill, though). The extra time spent on reading has prevented me from dedicating appropriate amounts of time to research and writing.

Who am I really kidding? I have always been a procrastinator. But, I have always pulled it out. I have never had to take an incomplete (I've taken extensions of a day or two on paper due dates, though). I have always had the energy and drive to pull it out of my ass at the last minute at the end of every term (and I almost always get A's -- except for the fucking Romantics -- God I hate Wordsworth! Byron, entertaining. Keats, enjoyable. Coleridge, fucked up -- Wordsworth -- what an arrogant, self-righteous fuck!)

I used to thrive on stress -- I did my best writing at 2:00 in the morning the night before a paper was due. I never started the paper until a few days before it was due -- if I started early at all. I was good at churning out A's under fire.

I am going to have to rethink my plans for the fall. I will actually have to study on time. I will actually have to follow my calendar as I lay it out. This includes grading papers, preparing lessons, writing papers, reading, preparing for class, etc. Fuck. I will have to be a seriously dedicated student for the first time in my life. I once assured a friend who was academically "distressed" that I wasn't THAT good as a student. He said, "But you're doing it." He was right. I am doing it. I will have a Master's Degree.

I wonder if I can still get A's if I actually plan ahead.